Help with a trigger

[Privateaccount1964]

A little background:

I’ve been fortunate to find a good counselor who specializes in Christians dealing with addictions including sexual addictions. One of the things we’ve been talking about is identifying and evaluating triggers, and the seeing if we can see what the need is behind it and figure out how to address that need in a more appropriate manner than cross dressing. 

So here’s my problem... I’ve had an experience that is a trigger, and I’ve written a journal entry to try to address it, but I can’t make the mental leap from taking it from the fantasy, to figuring out what the need really is and how to address that as a man instead of as a pretend woman. I’ve pasted my journal entry below... WARNING!!!!! It’s somewhat explicit, and if you think my trigger/fantasy might trigger you please don’t read it. But if you do, I sure could use some help identifying what the real need is or the real gain is.


[font=.SF UI Text][font=.SFUIText-Semibold]The most recent trigger is a nylon covered ankle in pretty high heels I saw getting out of a car on in a movie. It was supposed to be sexy, and it definitely was...she was. I’m not sure what the image is telling me about the “what” or “why” of the urge, but I want to reproduce it. I want the experience of the feel of that material. I want the beauty of the image, I want the sexiness of the presentation. The desire to be desired. I lust for the lusting. I want the sexual attention. (Side note...went looking for a picture to add here, and that was stupid. Totally made my heart race and desire increase, it’s almost overpowering.) I want to have a man look at me with that desire. I want to be touched and caressed. I want the feel of someone running their hands over my nylon covered legs. I need to stop this listing of things now, because it’s making it worse. I need to look at these desires and use my steps... stepped away for a few minutes, fed the dog, ate a little breakfast.... I came back to reread and meditate. Rereading took me right back. But by typing here it’s refocused my mind. What could the real need be that is manifesting itself this way. Surely lust is involved but that’s got to be secondary.  What is it that is causing my desire, what is my real need that is manifesting itself this way?[/font][/font]

[Karen]

Privateaccount1964 - I'm "only" a wife, so can't really relate, but I wanted to share my input. First of all, congratulations on finding a great Christian counselor. I wish we actually had one who specializes in this area.

My first thought about what might be the underlying trigger in the situation you describe is just, as you put it, the basic desire to be desired. Maybe something inside of you has an especially strong need to be recognized or to feel desirable, and you express it (maybe kind of automatically?) as an image that leads to the thought of crossdressing. If this might be the case, can you look for other ways to acknowledge that you ARE desirable just as you are - just as God made you?

If past history involved your feeling desirable when crossdressed, I can see where that would become habit, and your default to being aroused.

If none of this makes sense or is helpful, please just ignore! I just want to say that I admire your hard work on this problem. I wish my husband could recognize this as an addiction; it must be the first step to overcoming it! You are trying hard and please don't give up. Even if you feel you've taken a step backward, know that you are moving forward overall. I hope and expect that there will be other men responding soon to your post and you'll get some helpful ideas. Meanwhile, I will pray for your strength to overcome.

[Barnabas]

Private, thank you so much for asking such a good question. I think lust is a far bigger factor here than you are giving it credit for. The more I've healed from crossdressing addiction, the more I've realized that a lot of the gender dysphoria issues were smaller than I talked about them being, I think they were often self deceptions to rationalize what was really about lust.

However, the desire to be desired, the desire to be attractive, to be beautiful, is strong, and I've written a lot of posts about that, so I encourage you to keep reading my blog posts. Girls grow up in our culture constantly being complimented about everything from both men and also other women. Boys grow up receiving very little compliments. And I'm not just talking about compliments on looks, but compliments in general. That can make us grow up feeling very undesirable and unattractive. We see the compliments girls get for their beauty and we want some of that too.

Spiritually, you must take time weekly to reflect on how God finds you beautiful as his child. Dwell on Psalm 139 (I have a post on that too).
Practically, it really helps to start taking more time on your appearance as a man. With your wife, or by yourself, go out and buy some nicer clothes. Start dressing up more. Don't dress like a slob. Don't dress in super baggy clothes. Wear clothes that fit your body and make you look nice. Wear ties or hats or a watch or something interesting. Play around with beard and moustache styles. Get off the couch, go jogging, lift weights, get some muscles. If you take pride in your appearance as a man, trust me, this will really help a lot. It has helped me to feel a lot more desirable as a man. And if your wife knows about your issues, tell her how much it helps you to receive compliments on your appearance.

[Privateaccount1964]

Private, thank you so much for asking such a good question.  I think lust is a far bigger factor here than you are giving it credit for. The more I've healed from crossdressing addiction, the more I've realized that a lot of the gender dysphoria issues were smaller than I talked about them being, I think they were often self deceptions to rationalize what was really about lust.  

However, the desire to be desired, the desire to be attractive, to be beautiful, is strong, and I've written a lot of posts about that, so I encourage you to keep reading my blog posts. Girls grow up in our culture constantly being complimented about everything from both men and also other women. Boys grow up receiving very little compliments. And I'm not just talking about compliments on looks, but compliments in general.  That can make us grow up feeling very undesirable and unattractive.  We see the compliments girls get for their beauty and we want some of that too.  

Spiritually, you must take time weekly to reflect on how God finds you beautiful as his child.  Dwell on Psalm 139 (I have a post on that too).
Practically, it really helps to start taking more time on your appearance as a man. With your wife, or by yourself, go out and buy some nicer clothes. Start dressing up more. Don't dress like a slob. Don't dress in super baggy clothes. Wear clothes that fit your body and make you look nice. Wear ties or hats or a watch or something interesting. Play around with beard and moustache styles. Get off the couch, go jogging, lift weights, get some muscles. If you take pride in your appearance as a man, trust me, this will really help a lot. It has helped me to feel a lot more desirable as a man.  And if your wife knows about your issues, tell her how much it helps you to receive compliments on your appearance.

Thank you