03-30-2019, 01:52 PM
(This post was last modified: 04-01-2019, 06:07 AM by Karen.
Edit Reason: add details
)
I already shared this in my intro in the Wive's Chat, but I guess this is where it really should go. So, I'm posting the same thing again! :p
I am married; children all adults and gone from home. I knew of my husband's crossdressing before we married, but at that time it was only related to "he enjoyed the feel of the clothing..." We sometimes made it a part of our sex life, because it was a big turn on for him. After a couple of years I felt like that had become our ONLY sex life, and I had become more of an object to him. I wanted to be open-minded and accepting, but did not want any more involvement with it. We agreed he would dress up if he wanted, but only when I was not home. Apparently, for about 10 years or more he kind of lost interest in crossdressing. Then, I got the shock that many women get when they find out about their husband's secret...about 2 - 3 years ago, my husband decided he was going to go out in public. He began full dressing up, including wig & makeup (which he'd told me early on that he had no interest in) and even breast forms (which I'd never realized existed!). This was a shock to me because he had been doing this - full dressing and going out in public - for several months. I had no idea, as he works midnight shift and keeps a different schedule than I do. Once I learned that he'd begun doing this, and had even built relationships with a couple folks who knew him in his female persona, I was quite devastated. I felt like he'd cheated on me. He insists there is no sexual component to his current crossdressing. I have no evidence otherwise, but because of the history with clothing-only crossdressing from about 15 years ago, I sometimes struggle to believe their is no sex involved. We came to a crossroads, and I left for a couple of days. I did not feel I could continue our marriage with him dressing as he was/taking on a complete female persona. He insisted he would NOT give it up, even if it meant losing our marriage. After a couple days apart, we agreed we wanted the marriage to work, and we reached a compromise. Because I felt the most hurtful part of all of this was his developing relationships with others (most of all, one particular woman), I decided I would only accept his going out in public if he was with me. That meant I needed to see him in his full female dress. We did go out once every week or two together with him dressed up, but I was SO uncomfortable. I wish I'd never made that agreement, because it is taking a long time to get the vision of my dear husband as a female out of my head. Anyway, I began to realize my biggest concern with the whole thing (besides that I flat out feel it is an addiction and completely inappropriate), is the lack of sex life and closeness the two of us have had. In counseling (which was bad in important ways, but helpful in some), I learned that my husband was holding an extreme amount of anger toward me...and had been trying to make that clear to me, though I never "heard" him properly. It was an entirely different issue, and it took me quite a while to understand and to change my general bossy, demanding, sometimes unkind ways. However, I've changed my attitude a lot as far as listening to him (not necessarily about CDing, but in general conversation), and he's learned to trust me more. I've changed to a different, great Christian counselor, and am learning to take care of ME. At this time in my life, that means continuing in my marriage, NOT having anything to do with hubby's crossdressing, and trusting him to be open and honest with me about whatever he does. He has agreed not to ramp up his CD-related behavior in any way without talking to me first. We've worked hard to establish a closer relationship...yes, it has been VERY hard. But I can say that we actually have begun to develop a decent sex life and are learning to love each other better. It is still difficult. He knows that I don't like his CDing. I know that he intends to continue it. I pray often that he will draw so close to God that he will WANT to give up the crossdressing. God has restored our marriage (as He actually told me He would!), and I am expecting that in time He will answer my prayers about my husband's living out his salvation. Well, that wasn't short, but it is an overview of my situation.
I am married; children all adults and gone from home. I knew of my husband's crossdressing before we married, but at that time it was only related to "he enjoyed the feel of the clothing..." We sometimes made it a part of our sex life, because it was a big turn on for him. After a couple of years I felt like that had become our ONLY sex life, and I had become more of an object to him. I wanted to be open-minded and accepting, but did not want any more involvement with it. We agreed he would dress up if he wanted, but only when I was not home. Apparently, for about 10 years or more he kind of lost interest in crossdressing. Then, I got the shock that many women get when they find out about their husband's secret...about 2 - 3 years ago, my husband decided he was going to go out in public. He began full dressing up, including wig & makeup (which he'd told me early on that he had no interest in) and even breast forms (which I'd never realized existed!). This was a shock to me because he had been doing this - full dressing and going out in public - for several months. I had no idea, as he works midnight shift and keeps a different schedule than I do. Once I learned that he'd begun doing this, and had even built relationships with a couple folks who knew him in his female persona, I was quite devastated. I felt like he'd cheated on me. He insists there is no sexual component to his current crossdressing. I have no evidence otherwise, but because of the history with clothing-only crossdressing from about 15 years ago, I sometimes struggle to believe their is no sex involved. We came to a crossroads, and I left for a couple of days. I did not feel I could continue our marriage with him dressing as he was/taking on a complete female persona. He insisted he would NOT give it up, even if it meant losing our marriage. After a couple days apart, we agreed we wanted the marriage to work, and we reached a compromise. Because I felt the most hurtful part of all of this was his developing relationships with others (most of all, one particular woman), I decided I would only accept his going out in public if he was with me. That meant I needed to see him in his full female dress. We did go out once every week or two together with him dressed up, but I was SO uncomfortable. I wish I'd never made that agreement, because it is taking a long time to get the vision of my dear husband as a female out of my head. Anyway, I began to realize my biggest concern with the whole thing (besides that I flat out feel it is an addiction and completely inappropriate), is the lack of sex life and closeness the two of us have had. In counseling (which was bad in important ways, but helpful in some), I learned that my husband was holding an extreme amount of anger toward me...and had been trying to make that clear to me, though I never "heard" him properly. It was an entirely different issue, and it took me quite a while to understand and to change my general bossy, demanding, sometimes unkind ways. However, I've changed my attitude a lot as far as listening to him (not necessarily about CDing, but in general conversation), and he's learned to trust me more. I've changed to a different, great Christian counselor, and am learning to take care of ME. At this time in my life, that means continuing in my marriage, NOT having anything to do with hubby's crossdressing, and trusting him to be open and honest with me about whatever he does. He has agreed not to ramp up his CD-related behavior in any way without talking to me first. We've worked hard to establish a closer relationship...yes, it has been VERY hard. But I can say that we actually have begun to develop a decent sex life and are learning to love each other better. It is still difficult. He knows that I don't like his CDing. I know that he intends to continue it. I pray often that he will draw so close to God that he will WANT to give up the crossdressing. God has restored our marriage (as He actually told me He would!), and I am expecting that in time He will answer my prayers about my husband's living out his salvation. Well, that wasn't short, but it is an overview of my situation.
Life is hard, but God is good.
- Pam Thum
- Pam Thum