Fear and Envy
#1
As a child, do you think either fear or envy of girls (or feminine things) contributed to the creation of your crossdressing desires? 
Is it possible that we might have had both fear and envy at the same time?
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 –
13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 14 Do everything in love.


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#2
I couldn’t say how I felt as a teen when I first started. All I remember was this sudden feel of arousal hit when I saw a female classmate looking very attractive based on what she was wearing and in my mind I put her on a pedestal and started to find ways to arouse myself more as it just gave me such a high feeling. I miss it by just talking about it.
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#3
(03-19-2019, 03:55 PM)arich62 Wrote: I couldn’t say how I felt as a teen when I first started.  All I remember was this sudden feel of arousal hit when I saw a female classmate looking very attractive based on what she was wearing and in my mind I put her on a pedestal and started to find ways to arouse myself more as it just gave me such a high feeling.  I miss it by just talking about it.

Hmm, going by only what you have described, it sounds like what every heterosexual boy experienced in school when seeing a pretty girl.  How did it, for you and I, go from being attracted to her to wanting to be her.
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 –
13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 14 Do everything in love.


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#4
I guess the funny thing in my case is that I don’t really remember being aroused by girls in school and in fact I never really related to the other boys who seemed obsessed with sex. Rather I stayed mostly to myself as an introvert and tried to mostly avoid contact with girls who I felt uncomfortable around. I may have partly felt uncomfortable because I was insecure and (especially when I was younger) may have been afraid of some kind of feminine-ness rubbing off on me like cooties or something :-) Later I probably felt the same, combined with not wanting to accidentally show too much interest in something that I shouldn’t so just kept distance instead. Of course, this keeping distance probably just increased the mystique of the feminine.

Regarding envy, I guess inside myself I always thought it was weird that girls could (socially acceptably) wear boy clothes but boys couldn’t wear girl clothes. In that sense I envied the things they could do that I wouldn’t be allowed or expected to do. On the other hand, to bring fear back into it, I guess I was afraid to feel that way or express that for fear of what others would think of me.

I guess you could say I was afraid to envy them :-)
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#5
(03-22-2019, 02:27 AM)otoko1988 Wrote: I guess the funny thing in my case is that I don’t really remember being aroused by girls in school and in fact I never really related to the other boys who seemed obsessed with sex. Rather I stayed mostly to myself as an introvert and tried to mostly avoid contact with girls who I felt uncomfortable around. I may have partly felt uncomfortable because I was insecure and (especially when I was younger) may have been afraid of some kind of feminine-ness rubbing off on me like cooties or something :-) Later I probably felt the same, combined with not wanting to accidentally show too much interest in something that I shouldn’t so just kept distance instead. Of course, this keeping distance probably just increased the mystique of the feminine.

Regarding envy, I guess inside myself I always thought it was weird that girls could (socially acceptably) wear boy clothes but boys couldn’t wear girl clothes. In that sense I envied the things they could do that I wouldn’t be allowed or expected to do. On the other hand, to bring fear back into it, I guess I was afraid to feel that way or express that for fear of what others would think of me.

I guess you could say I was afraid to envy them :-)

I think that was common for many of us, being afraid of being perceived as feminine by others.  Perhaps feeling already insecure in our masculinity
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 –
13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 14 Do everything in love.


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#6
(03-20-2019, 01:43 AM)Barnabas Wrote:
(03-19-2019, 03:55 PM)arich62 Wrote: I couldn’t say how I felt as a teen when I first started.  All I remember was this sudden feel of arousal hit when I saw a female classmate looking very attractive based on what she was wearing and in my mind I put her on a pedestal and started to find ways to arouse myself more as it just gave me such a high feeling.  I miss it by just talking about it.

Hmm, going by only what you have described, it sounds like what every heterosexual boy experienced in school when seeing a pretty girl.  How did it, for you and I, go from being attracted to her to wanting to be her.
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#7
I suppose it came as a result of low self esteem caused by feelings of neglect at home and when I was 14-15 I found this new drug that would make me feel high. I didn’t ejaculate for the first time until I was 18 to a very attractive popular trans woman and it felt so good, so high and just
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#8
(03-16-2019, 02:53 AM)Barnabas Wrote: As a child, do you think either fear or envy of girls (or feminine things) contributed to the creation of your crossdressing desires? 
Is it possible that we might have had both fear and envy at the same time?

Absolutely! Envy played a big part of it, not only nurturing my desire to dress like a girl but also in my choices of clothing that continues to this day.

I came of age in the early 1960s, when it was still common for young girls to wear modest, full skirts with lots of ruffles and the like. Some of it was borne of nostalgia: The "boho" hippie look was a throwback to 19th century pioneer dresses. So I'd see the girls my age on TV and in school in their pretty dresses, and I'd see how they were pampered and adored, and I compared that against the rough life I had as a boy -- always getting beaten up by bullies because I was bad at sports, I cried easily when upset, I got lost in books and fantasies instead of playing sports like the other boys.

I wanted to be treated more like the girls were treated: Never expected to be assertive or confrontational, or play rough games, encouraged to be quiet and demure and polite, etc. The big billowy dresses became a symbol of that desire, so when I experimented with trying on family members' clothes or even making improved dresses out of sheets, it was with an eye for dressing like the girls I envied. Now here I am over 60 years old, still trying to dress like Laura Ingalls even though I have over five decades of experience telling me the reality doesn't match the fantasy.

Your comment about fear intrigues me, and I look forward to hearing from other men with different experience. For now, I can't imagine how fear of girls would inform a crossdresser's desires.
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#9
See that’s the funny thing about my story. I don’t have a clear understanding of why I was ever so interested in girl stuff or dresses or whatever. I’ve always been confused about it. There was never any direct thought like “I wish I was a girl” or “I wish I could be treated like the girls are” or anything like that. I surely enjoyed being male but was insecure of my masculinity, not caring about sports or cars or whatever but I loved video games and space and dinosaurs and other little boy stuff and as a computer nerd I felt very “male” too.

So this fear and envy thing is interesting to me because I do find that I found girls intimidating because I didn’t understand them. I guess for me, my social awkwardness and focus on intellectual understanding made me afraid to talk or interact with people in general, but especially girls because they were even more different than me than other guys and I was afraid I could never understand them.

It’s possible my private obsession with female stuff is partly because I just wanted to understand them better.

Anyway, you can see again from my tone, I’m just really confused about what my thoughts/feelings really were/are and wish I understood it better. Sometimes it seems like the silliest, stupidest thing to want to put on something meant for a girl/woman and yet there were times that I had access to them and felt compelled to do so and I don’t know why.
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#10
Ralph, I think I felt much the same as you.  That envy not just of clothes, but of the experience that girls had. Being a boy can be tough, especially when you are weaker than others, more emotional, or don't fit in.

Here is more about fear and envy if you didn't read this post yet - http://www.healingfromcrossdressing.org/...nssexuals/
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 –
13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 14 Do everything in love.


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