Fear and Envy
#11
(03-26-2019, 01:00 AM)Barnabas Wrote: Here is more about fear and envy if you didn't read this post yet - http://www.healingfromcrossdressing.org/...nssexuals/

Ah, thanks for that. Since I just discovered your "reboot" this past week, I haven't done much exploring in past topics. I will definitely give the full book a closer read. At first glance, your summary of the author's thesis speaks directly to my own experiences -- specifically the transition from sexual fetish in the teen years to coping mechanism in adulthood.
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#12
After you finish the book, please comment on that blog post with your thoughts, and we can discuss more Smile
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 –
13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 14 Do everything in love.


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#13
(03-25-2019, 02:30 PM)otoko1988 Wrote: See that’s the funny thing about my story. I don’t have a clear understanding of why I was ever so interested in girl stuff or dresses or whatever. …
otoko1988, I totally understand the lack of understanding myself... I also have no clue why I've struggled with wanting to dress up femininely (note, not "as a woman").  I've always been more than content with being a guy, I have no desire to be a girl, so transgenderism isn't something I've struggled with at all, although most would assume that to be the case with any/all crossdressers.  I think what got me interested at first had to do simply with curiosity.  Having only brothers, I had little experience with the feminine, and so I think I was just really curious what it was like (or maybe, like you mentioned, just trying to understand females better).  My memories of this curiosity go back to when I was about 2yrs old though … so I don't know.  It seems crazy, honestly.

Similar to you, I also tend to either think, "That's absurd!" Or, "but if I could just try it on…"  There's never any middle ground.  Probably 95% of my life, I'm beyond embarrassed to think that I would ever find it enjoyable to wear any women's clothing, but then at other times I can't think of anything that seems more exciting.

The devil is crafty, and knows great ways to distract us.  Even venting on things like this can distract me from the good things (God in general, how He (Christ) saved me, how sin no longer has dominion over me, etc.).  That said, I read your post, otoko, and I finally see a similar story to mine, which is encouraging.  But I want to share the rest of my story with you: while I'm not completely free of thoughts on crossdressing, God really has given me freedom from the bondage of sin and I can say that it no longer masters me.  I'm sure tough times may come again, but in the meantime I can find hope it the promises that God has made and kept over and over, and I can hope in true freedom in the long run, and I can rest in all of that hope.

If there's anything I've found during this fight, here's a quick summary:
1. God is faithful, gracious, and loving - even when I fail again and again
2. In response to His love for me, I want to love Him by following His commands (1 John)
3. The fight is difficult, extremely difficult
4. The fight is completely worth it - my victories in this area, though the Holy Spirit's work, have been some of the highest points in my life as a whole


God bless,
- Hopeful
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#14
I don't think fear had anything to do with my early CDing, which started at age 13. Envy? Not consciously, if you probed deep psychologically could you find envy? Maybe, although I am not sure. I had an older sister, so I might have envied her advanced maturity, not sure.
It was a visual thing to me. I am a very visual, and creative, person, and the visual transformation is what attracted me.
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#15
Kyork, was the visual thing just because it was fun to do transformation and see the look, or were you also attracted to the beauty you saw in the mirror, or were you sexually attracted as well?    Was there any role relief involved in your dressing, or emotional changes?
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 –
13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 14 Do everything in love.


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#16
(04-15-2019, 11:51 PM)Barnabas Wrote: Kyork, was the visual thing just because it was fun to do transformation and see the look, or were you also attracted to the beauty you saw in the mirror, or were you sexually attracted as well?    Was there any role relief involved in your dressing, or emotional changes?

I was not sexually attracted to myself, but I was surprised at how much I looked like a girl (thinking back to when I started at 13). I still could look very passable. There was a sexual aspect, as I started at puberty, but it was not what I sought or wanted, and I did not masturbate through CDing. In fact masturbation of any kind has never been a thing for me.
Not sure what you mean by role relief, do you mean I was relieved that I didn't have to play the male role? I don't think that is the case since I did not interact publicly with anyone, so I was not relinquishing a role.  I do not recall any emotional changes. But it was fun to do.
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#17
(03-16-2019, 02:53 AM)Barnabas Wrote: As a child, do you think either fear or envy of girls (or feminine things) contributed to the creation of your crossdressing desires? 
Is it possible that we might have had both fear and envy at the same time?

I've thought a lot about this. 

I'm not sure if envy was the starting point for me. Certainly curiosity was. I wanted to know what it felt like to dress up in my sister's clothes. 

However, the fight since has been one of envy. I've felt it's not fair that women should get to wear what they like, have a bigger range of clothes in a store, wear cooler clothing in summer for formal occasions while I had to wear jacket and tie ... etc.

The only way I've been able to fight this is by seeing that this is a lie of Satan, and believing the truth that God is good and God is sovereign, and that he's given me far more in Christ than I deserve.
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#18
Been thinking that crossdressing is doubly damaging to our souls. It is both lust and covetousness (envy). Why would our deeply loving and omniscient Father in Heaven command his children to not covet (Exodus 20:17)? It's not the way to true happiness.

Just a thought that sort of fits in this thread.
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#19
If you can't have her, be her. I was not just rejected by every girl I ever had a crush on, they made me feel like no one would ever have a crush on me. So what was I to do about my raging hormones? (I think you know the answer to that one), but I always wanted to be free of that, so I invented a girl who had a crush on me at the same time as I had one on her. I married my imaginary friend. And since my wife and I settled for each other, I figured I would invent the femininity which my wife refuses to display into an abstract but not imaginary friend - my own feminine characteristics. Why am I not allowed to be happy in this life?
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#20
(12-17-2021, 11:57 AM)Signpost Wrote: If you can't have her, be her.  I was not just rejected by every girl I ever had a crush on, they made me feel like no one would ever have a crush on me.  So what was I to do about my raging hormones?  (I think you know the answer to that one), but I always wanted to be free of that, so I invented a girl who had a crush on me at the same time as I had one on her.  I married my imaginary friend.  And since my wife and I settled for each other, I figured I would invent the femininity which my wife refuses to display into an abstract but not imaginary friend - my own feminine characteristics. Why am I not allowed to be happy in this life?

Have you ever had a serious chat with your wife about what you are attracted to, and if she would be willing to dress more femininely? In marriage, both husband and wife should have the desire to dress in an attractive way for their spouse. But of course, that requires the marriage to already have a solid relationship and friendship and care for one another, and trust.
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 –
13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 14 Do everything in love.


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